Every 'Mario Kart 8 Deluxe' Character, Ranked
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All the go-kart racers ranked, because someone had to Nintendo

Because somebody had to do it...

There are those who say that every Mario Kart character is essentially the same, and that you should just play as who you like. Those people are dumb. The racer you choose in the new Mario Kart 8 Deluxe for Nintendo Switch not only determines whether you win or lose – it says a lot about you as a person, too.

With that in mind, here’s every Mario Kart 8 Deluxe character ranked using only the most objective and fact-based criteria, like how fast they go, if they’re actual babies, and whether they resemble side characters from Spaceballs.